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www.CollectSportsOnline.com Sportsman's Park Web Site Authentication Super-Simian The World's Best Card Grading Service  By Richard Leech

Our Founder

Our "Card Grading Experts - Extraordinnaire"
    Our potential card grading experts are selected from the most unsophisticated, primitive, but intelligent stock, direct from the jungles of the world to our own Sorbonne du Card Grading Academy.  This ensures our academy graduates will be impartial and have no prior knowledge of the grand old game of baseball or of baseball cards.
    We are an equal opportunity employer and do not discriminate based on color, creed, religion, age, or national origin.  However, we do prefer an equal mix of members of the family Pongidae, such as chimpanzee, gibbon, gorilla, and orangutan, except the gorillas eat too much.
    At our Academy the candidates receive intensive training in a strict military school environment.  After an excruciating two weeks (longer than any of our competitors), where their card grading tactile and olfactory senses are sharply honed, only the top ten percent graduate with the coveted "Card Grading Expert - Extraordinnaire (CGEE)" degree.  But our academy rejects are not returned to the jungle, no indeed.  We assist all non-graduates to obtain meaningful employment.  Even now some promote successful sports card shows, mostly on the East coast.  One sharp orangutan was appointed recently to the color analyst post on a national NFL telecast.
    The graduates go immediately into the on-duty pool of CGEEs in our tightly guarded compound, which they often refer to as "the Cardboard Jungle."  In addition to the highest pay in the industry, the CGEEs receive outstanding company benefits, to include veterinary service (no deductible), psychiatric care, and full retirement to a zoo of choice.

 The System
    Each card is graded by 10 CGEEs, chosen at random from a pool of 50 CGEEs on duty 24 hours a day.  To ensure objectivity, our CGEEs know absolutely nothing about baseball.  They couldn't tell Loren Babe from Babe Ruth from Ruth Buzzi.
    When on the "grading rack," as they humorously call it, the CGEEs are blindfolded and listen to their choice of music by headphone to mask all external stimuli.  (CGEEs who select disco music twice are dismissed with prejudice as a potential evil influence.)
    Each CGEE grades each card using all four extremities simultaneously (Quadri-Dexterity), a technique no other grading service employs.  This ensures an absolutely thorough analysis of the card's corners, surface wear, invisible paper defects, warping, and creases.
    Another feature no competitor offers is the Olfactory Analysis.  Cards retaining that delicious, original bubble gum smell receive higher grading value.  Of course, cards that smell of mildew, sweat socks, spiders, or rodent droppings will be downgraded accordingly.  (This aspect of the system is still being developed, as we get strange results for some types of cards, such as Mothers Cookies, Dan Dee Potato Chips, Royal Pudding, and Wilson Meats.)
    This totally objective tactile and olfactory analysis is fed directly from electrodes implanted in each CGEE's brain into our brand new Crayfish 1000X monster computer, the biggest and fastest in the world.  After input is recorded from all 10 CGEEs, the card is placed into the computer's "Weight and Fortune Told - Insert Dollar Bill" slot, where the Crayfish itself uses the latest laser technology to grade the card for centering, color, gloss, and focus.
    The card is then returned by the Crayfish in its original state but sealed forever in our own Simi-Diamond Case (pat. pend.), with the assigned grade fixed within the case.  This case is guaranteed to be chemically inert and will protect the card forever from ultraviolet rays, ozone, fluorocarbons, acid rain, wet dogs, and grubby little kids.  No matter how much a future owner may want to just "touch" the card, it can never again be felt by human, animal, or alien hands, as our cases are unopenable, nonbiodegradeable, and indestructible.  Yes, they will truly live forever.  (The Simi-Diamond case is made of real, man-made diamonds, each one worth a bunch on the industrial diamond market.)
    Totally false rumors have circulated that our Crayfish has, on occasion, returned a sealed case containing a counterfeit card instead of the original.  This is a vicious lie started by our sniveling competitors in a pathetic attempt to damage our spotless reputation.  The one instance, only one, that we felt should be investigated was proven false.  In fact, the independent investigation proved that the original Mickey Mantle rookie card that was returned looking like Elvis without sideburns, and with a 1952 Bowman football Tom Landry back, was actually an uncataloged, one-of-a-kind Mantle variation and was infinitely more valuable than a T206 Wagner!

The Grading Scale
    Although a 1,000 point grading system was originally intended, after arduous negotiations with the CGEEs' union we elected to use the 1,000 "banana" scale.
    After the Crayfish digests the input from all 10 CGEEs and completes its own grading assignment, the final banana grade is automatically affixed inside the Simi-Diamond case, such as 856 bananas, 902 bananas, etc.  A cute little yellow banana hologram is included (no additional charge) immediately after the numeric grade.

The Final Pitch
    Remember, baseball cards have advanced from the little kid's shoeboxes and hands of the collector into the portfolio of the investor, thank God!  Once sealed in our Simi-Diamond case, a baseball card is no longer a card but a precious commodity, more valuable than solid gold or platinum and sure to appreciate exponentially.  We almost guarantee it!
    Send today for our colorful illustrated brochure and card submission form, picturing our CGEEs happily at work and the Crayfish 1000X with lots of impressive equipment and blinking lights, processing millions of cards a day.
    Or, to save time, just send your valuable cards for immediate grading.  Enclose your major credit card number and evidence of credit limit, or signed, blank check with statement of account balance.